Devil's Thunder

A high school student from West Side came in to the Cuda the other day.
We had a conversation that I still can't quite shake.

I hadn't seen her since I'd been asked to step down, let alone spoken to her.  She's one I've known since she was in fourth grade, one of "my girls" whom I was a Trainee and camp counselor for.
After exclaiming a greeting to her from across the orange front counter, I told her I missed her and asked how life was.
She said all was well and she missed me too--that she never saw me as I didn't come to Fuel anymore.  Just like that.  Just like it was a choice and I simply didn't want to attend these past five months.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm taking too much of this for more than its worth, but it bothers me that any of the students would think that I didn't want to be there, that I didn't want to see them, that I had any choice in this for that matter.

We're reading a book for our small West Side Bible Study on this.  For the more curious, it's called The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible.  A friend asked me today how the reading selection for the week was going; my unrestrained, immediate response:  soul crushing.

I'm so exhausted by this.  At least the other members of the group are all amazing, patient, thoughtful, open people and we seem to be accomplishing some things.  This book just seems to be destructive to where we've come at this point and discouraging.  Even if I was a straight person reading this, I don't think I'd be able to finish it.

Hopefully the meeting tomorrow goes well.  I know this was a random, semi-stream of consciousness update.  Perhaps someday soon I'll write a more thought out entry about the actual positive things happening in my life.

Until then, you're better off looking up tweeted pictures of goats.  All the cool kids are apparently doing it.
-KL

Daily Reconciliation

I've been asked to do a "study" with the Youth Elders (yeah, gotta love that oxymoron) about my understanding of this "issue" of homosexuality and Christianity.  It's a little daunting.  A lot stressful.  And even more terrifying to reason that we are not just speaking of an issue that is dividing the Church, but an issue that will determine if I can stay a part of ministry and to a certain degree, continue to follow some of the same teachings and ideologies that I grew up with.

For this reason and others, I am going to start a new blog.  A less personal and emotional one (if I can handle that with such a topic) that will seek to inform and demonstrate how I have come to find myself where I am in relation to sexuality and the Bible and God.  West Side as a corporation stands on the belief that to be "homosexual" is not a sin, but acting on any such feelings is sin (and apparently one that needs to be reprimanded more strictly than any other sin even if they've never asked if I've acted on it or not, the intent is enough apparently).  I, quite obviously, do not hold such beliefs.

With this new blog I hope to answer some common misconceptions on the topic, Biblical and in general; and help myself organize my thoughts and talking points before bringing them to The "No-Touching" Committee (as I've deemed it).  If nothing else, I hope it helps others understand that there is much more than one-side to this issue and just because we've always known or held something to be "true" doesn't mean that we can't think outside of that or even perhaps evolve our thinking.  For how else can we learn, and how else can we better understand the vast array of intricate differences that God has place around us in this world.

http://reconcilethedivide.blogspot.com/

See you on the other side?
-KL

A Science Apart

There's a word that I keep finding on my heart and in my brain lately.

GRACE.

I don't know what's going on right now.  And I am so frustrated by the shape and process this is taking, but I don't want to let that frustration and anger overtake me.  I feel like the grace of the Spirit has really protected me thus far and I want to make sure to reflect that in any and all steps I, myself, take in this.

I think I shall e-mail them tomorrow.  Get their take on why certain things have transpired that they assured were unnecessary steps from the beginning.

Thank you to those who have been praying, have asked others to pray.  Even if I don't reap the benefits of the decisions that shall eventually be reached, I know that they will help others down the line.

Still ridiculously blessed and thankful for the grace poured over me
-KL

What Makes a Man____?

I've been trying to figure out a way to write this all down.  And I've been avoiding doing it all together because that somehow makes it more concrete.

October has been a strange, strange month.  This year has been a roller coaster, and no point in time has encapsulated that more than these past few weeks.

Everyone seems interested in telling me how they feel about this.
The excuses they have to feel as they do.  The justifications they've made for the decisions they've come to.

I feel like I've had a death in the family.  As if there is a piece of my life I can no longer reach on this plane.

Enough of the waxing.  Let's cut to the chase.

After telling me more than once that my sexuality would not change my role in leadership or ministry with the youth, session had a secret (not really, but achieve nonetheless) meeting about a "hypothetical" leader with such sinful same-sex attraction and what should be the course of action.  The final verdict was handed to me last Friday.  The following Sunday was the first Fuel/Refinery/SALT I haven't been to in years with the exception of being out of town.
It felt so foreign.  I couldn't sit in church that morning either.  Listening to songs of God's graciousness and receiving stares of much less was enough to drive me from the pew before Ralph even got around to the message.

I feel so conflicted.  My heart is breaking.  For myself and for WS.  I want to fight, but I don't want to be told over and over again how the traditional interpretation of scripture condemns me to a life without any sort of romantic love or deep connection.  I've read the scriptures, I've read the commentaries, I've read beyond them, I've studied context and hermeneutics and so what if I don't have a theology degree or MDiv.  Your viewpoint changes nothing in the Church, nothing in how it treats people or allows them to live.  Mine allows me to live a life loved by God and accepting myself instead of continuing the torturous facade that everything is fine and however much I pray will be enough to make me blameless in the eyes of the Church.

It is not the Church I should seek to please.

So you can keep me from the youth I've spent years getting to know and building community and fellowship with.  You can break my trust in the church I've come to call "home" and "family" and I will still be there for any one of those people on an individual level because that is life-giving.  But you will not take away the relationship that has been built between me and my creator.  My faith.  Only one person can break that--and that is the person the faith belongs to.

I will always love WS.  But right now my journey seems to be leading me away from there.  I don't know what's in store for me.

I just don't.

-KL

Hard Way Home

I read Psalm 31 this morning between rushes at the shop.  I can't remember if it's the exact one that Dave referenced in his talk Sunday night, but it was a comfort regardless.  I had been so down on myself again after what transpired yesterday.  And then came the realization that I shouldn't take it that way.  This "battle", if you will, does not change how God feels about me, does not change how I feel about God.  If anything, I think this will strengthen our relationship, though it will take a whole heck of a lot of trust and patience.

Nor do I think it will necessarily change their relationship with God.  I don't know at this point what this will all change, but I think it will be worth it.  Probably in ways I can not even name or think of at this point.
And they are not my enemy.  We are working through this together.  We just don't understand each other fully.

I just need to focus on staying positive, getting back to where I was.  Reclaim the sense of peace that only the Holy Spirit is providing me with the knowledge that it's out of my hands.

"Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth."

The Edge of Myself

Had the first of what appears to be a series of meetings with the Youth Elders today.  Everything in me wants to run away.  To make a break and run.  How much easier it would be.  Stop the pain where it is.

But I know that's not what I'm being called to do.  I am called to see this through.  To stand up for what I've come to believe.  For where God is in my life.

I'm tired, so tired, of pretending this doesn't exist.  And I was free.  For 5 glorious days, I felt so light and happy.  And I'm back in the dark, the weighted expectations.  

God, I hope this is all worth it.  Help me to put trust into what you are doing.  I can't live in this vicious cycle.  Intercede.  

Casually Cruel

1 Peter 3:8-9

⁸ Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.^[a] Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. ⁹ Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.

Hard words to put in to practice when you feel like you're always getting the short end of the deal.  That you do more for less.  When you see others go without consequence for doing something you know you would be judged for.  For seeing people you thought were your friends slowly slip away and you become so much less than.

Enough of that.  I need to escape the confinement of expectation and discover a new plan.

I went to Sunday School/Bible Study this week for the first time in a couple years.  It felt good.  I think I've been slipping down the slope of going through the motions of being a "good Christian" of late.  Especially with the rapid disintegration of the small group that I really felt God wanted me to create and be a part of.  That mixed with other reasons have made me feel more apathetic about actively spending time with or seeking God.  It all just seems so discouraging.

However, I am so thankful for the handful of true friends I have around me.  I always think it's funny how God tends to take the people I expect the least to ever have anything in common with and before I know it, they're the people who seem to be there the most.  So many of my really good current friends or people I have been closest to in the past have been people I never thought I would like when I first met them.  Shows what I know.

Not a whole heck of a lot.

-KL

Equally Skilled

Ecclesiastes 11

Invest in Many Ventures

¹ Ship your grain across the sea;
after many days you may receive a return.
² Invest in seven ventures, yes, in eight;
you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.

³ If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain on the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there it will lie.
⁴ Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

⁵ As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.

⁶ Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let your hands not be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.

Remember Your Creator While Young

⁷ Light is sweet,
and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.
⁸ However many years anyone may live,
let them enjoy them all.
But let them remember the days of darkness,
for there will be many.
Everything to come is meaningless.

⁹ You who are young, be happy while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
God will bring you into judgment.
¹⁰ So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.

I don’t remember when I first read this passage, however, even as a “J”, I fell in love with it.  I tend to plan out my steps, even when I have no idea where I am headed.  I can be honest in saying most of the time I have no idea what path I am taking, but so help me God, I am taking that path.  But it doesn’t need to be like that.  Much like Jeremiah 29:11 or Psalm 139, God’s plan is so much bigger and better than anything I could ever fathom or conceive.  That’s why I especially love Ecclesiastes 11:5 so much.  We cannot understand why God does what He does.  He had a purpose for creating mankind and for continuing to love and pursue us even when we sinned and fell short of all the glory He intended for us.  He has a purpose in creating each and every person on this Earth, the path they walk, the way they know His presence whether through His Word or just His Spirit.  There is reason behind us all.

It is with these words and this truth on my heart that I will walk into Ralph’s office tomorrow.  I set up a meeting with him so that he can hear directly from me that I, a follower of Christ Jesus, am also gay.  I don’t know where this will lead.  I have hopes and I have fears.  I sat in service Sunday morning and wondered if this would be the last service I would attend at West Side without feeling like an outcast.  I’ve taken part in this church my entire life.  My parents were married there, my grandparents were married there, I was welcomed for 22 years there.  Will this change that?  I think I’d be in denial if I didn’t say yes. 

Perhaps I’ll be banned from volunteering.  Perhaps nothing will happen.  Perhaps they’ll call a Secret Session Meeting in my (dis)honor.  I really don’t know how this will play out.  My dad and I were talking about coming out to the church the other day and he said something I had thought about, but hadn’t put much energy into.  He said, it might not even be the staff that takes issue with me being a part of ministry, it may be the parents of the youth I serve who truly find a problem.  Perhaps I’ll be dishonorably discharged without a hearing or chance.

One thing I do know.  I will not be the victim.  I have done nothing wrong.  People will tell me that so long as I am not “active” or “practicing” or “engaging in a lifestyle of sin” that I am fine to continue on and serve God and the Church.  Seriously, you want to use descriptions like that to describe a human life?  You make me sound like a voodoo robot.  People may disagree with the “homosexual lifestyle”, I get that.  However, to them I ask, do you know that the one thing you are trying to deny me is love?  There is no other “sin” in the Bible that requires someone to forsake love.  None.  How can we single out one specific “sin” and ask it to trespass against the one commandment Jesus gave us?  Now this gets into another blog entirely or rather another conversation entirely. 

I guess what I wanted to say is, I know where I stand.  I stand on the path of God.  I have no clue at all where that is, but it will lead me to places I cannot imagine.  I have seen too many of my Christian friends come out only to lose their faith.  I think as the representative of God’s word on Earth, the Christian Church holds much guilt in that.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  No matter what one believes, God’s love should surpass any misgivings about another person’s differences.  I don’t know another out gay person that still has faith.  That troubles me and scares me even.  I don’t want that to happen to me.  I have to remember that West Side is not God.  It is a place seeking and honoring God and it is a wonderful place at that.  If they reject me, it is not God rejecting me.  How could He?  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  He has plans for me.  He has plans for you.  “You cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”  Thank Jesus.  If I understood half of the things He did, I think my head would explode.  That’s just how awesome it would be.

I am scared to enter that office tomorrow, to give any reason (illegitimate as it may seem) to be disqualified from the full benefits of Church leadership.  But I do so in the hope that someday things will change.  The Church has for far too long made enemies of the people it should be reaching out to, embracing, protecting.  In the name of Jesus, the Church has persecuted Muslims, science, women, black people, women again, Jews, more Muslims and gay people.  I don’t see why more people aren’t upset about this.  The Church is not infallible.  God is.  The Church is not God. 

It’s late and I didn’t mean to go on a tirade against the Church.  In truth, it has done so much good for the world, but the darker parts of its history should not be forgotten.  Obviously, it’s something I’ve personally looked into and feel deeply rooted in.  For what is faith if not an introspection of God’s work in our lives in order to better understand His work and our purpose within the world.

12:12

“Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

May tomorrow contain all of these,
-KL

Grudge Has Still Got Your Heart

The worst part about being a responsible grown up Christian, if you have a problem with someone, you have to go to that person directly and face it.  Even if you heard about said problem from someone else, you can't continue spreading the issue before resolving it with the original fire starter.  And if the secondary person wishes you to not tell the source that they told you about it, then you have to wait for the source to gather their grievances and approach you then.
Right?
  What a messed up and sickening web we humans weave.

Don't Tell Me You Don't Know

The end of an era. I think my days in youth ministry at WS are behind me, at least with the current regiment in place. This past year has been phasing out everything--and everyone. No utilization of those who came before. No peer respect. No integration of relationships I've been building since they were in their single-digits.
I love those kids. I won't let this stop me.
I don't know if our decision was a mistake in terms of what's best for the youth, but it certainly didn't click in any way for me. I won't make this a tug-of-war, but I will not be disappearing completely either.
Church may be about politics, but Faith is about relationships.
Faith and love will always win this heart in the face of what sin may govern against it.

Mark My Words: I Might Be Something Someday

Goodbye 2009.
Hello 2010.

Dear 2009,
You were pretty swell. You went a bit fast, but we had some good times.
I got my first real job. It's awesome, most of the time.
I traveled to three different countries, two of them (Albania and England for a bit) on my 5th(?) mission trip. Canada was a blast and I am so very thankful for the people that went with me and the experiences we had, even sleeping in a baseball dugout. That trip freed me in quite a few ways.
I learned more about Russian history than I will ever want to know. Though I will be learning even more this year (can't wait).
Sounds kinda sad, but after two years at WSU TC, I made a friend that I actually do stuff with outside of school. Now we can learn about/be tortured by Russia together!
I was on the APNC at West Side (something anyone reading my blog even pseudo-regularly would know about).
I finally moved back into the real house.
Just kidding, it's still not done.
I had a kick-ass New Year's Eve.
I think that's about the gist of you.

So thanks for being a smokin' fine year,
-KL

Dear 2010,

I am looking forward to you. We had a shaky start with food poisoning, but I think we can make up for that.
I think some big things will be taking place on your watch. I'm already looking forward to the high school retreat in about 3 weeks. There's also the high probability of an extended "hiatus" from youth worship team. I'm quite relieved for that to occur as well. And April. Sweet, glorious April. Why can't you be here sooner?
Anyways, I hope we work out quite splendidly. I'm pretty sure we will. I guess that's it for now, I'm sure we'll see each other around. I look forward to it!

To 363 more days of unicorns, chap stick, and clean socks;
-KL

Hope all four of you reading this have a fantastic year to come as well! If not, I might be able to get you 2010's address and you can go have a word with it--crowbars are pretty effective as well.

Step Up Stranger

So candidate numero tres is a no.

It was a somewhat heart-breaking decision to make as this was the only candidate we've pursued (this far) that we've had to reject. It's also unfortunate because we really liked him as a person, but just didn't see a ministry fit. And his wife is phenomenal. Everyone that met her asked, "Can we hire her?"
Sadly, no.

So we're back to square two...or three. I've lost track.

We also collectively admitted that this process is tiring and we're wearied. We are doing our best to find the best fit for West Side and for the Youth and we don't want to settle. For my two cents, I don't think the candidate that the committee is "looking" for can be found. No one is going to fit every one of their criteria. But then again I am a cynical optimist.

I really liked dude #2. He was reserved, but with a substantial depth. After being around him, to quote a comment I heard, "you really got the sense that he cared about you as a person and wanted to get to know you more." I think that THAT is youth ministry and really any form of ministry. I think it's all in the personal relationships.

And ironically enough, the main hang-up with him seems to be his wife. She doesn't seem ready to make a major move geographically or emotionally. She seems really attached to where she is (I went back and fixed the grammatical error there, all for you, Molls).
Albeit, we're not hiring the spouse, it's still something to consider as we want the person we hire to be supported on all fronts.

It's just so drawn and arduous.
But we're in it for the long-haul.

I just wish we had something tangible.

To commemorate, I have chosen this comic:



-KL

I Should Just Concentrate and

First, a photo:



That's the small part of my "small group" that was there tonight. It was actually a very good session. Very good. So much laughter. I love it.
Not that I don't love all the other girls, it just makes things less intimate with more voices.

Second, a short story:

So I was talking with my school friend Jordyn (yeah, weird, I have a friend!) and we were talking about facebook and stalking people and I made a comment that the majority of my friends on facebook are middle school girls. She gave me the freakiest look. I admitted I am a creeper, but it's ok because "it's for Jesus".
She then burst out laughing and we changed subjects.

Third, an event:

Michelle and I took a girl from our small group to Artsy Fartsy last night. Sooo much fun! I am not creative in the decorating or painting regard at all, but it was awesome just to spend time with them and laugh at each other. I wish I could do stuff like that more often. I also painted a bowl, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Fourth, my bowl:



I can't pick it up for two more weeks, bummer.

That's about it. Well, pretty much. But I'm not going there.
Guess in your minds.

-KL

Don't Lose Yourself/Don't Let Yourself Be Lost

I have a love/hate relationship with Wednesdays.

This is fact.

It is easily the busiest day of my week and I mostly love it.

Actually, I mostly love Refinery.
And by that, I mean I love the people at Refinery.

My small group this year is craxy (<- not a typo, btw).
It's just Michelle and I which means the sarcasm is flowing like fresh, golden honey and we burst out laughing at random moments. We have three of our girls from last year, 5 freshmen, an exchange student and a girl who transfered from the other group. I love them all, but putting them all into one room with somewhat stupid questions to discuss is completely insane. CHAOS! Half of our discussion is just getting everybody quiet.
But as I stated before, I love it all. It is probably one of my favorite hours out of the week.

What I don't like about it is this: I feel so inadequate. But in a way, that's good. At a seminar I went to this past spring, the speaker, Chap Clark, stated that we can't be everything for the youth we work with, but we can point them in the direction of someone who can be. (Insert Sunday School answer here) But what do I do when someone isn't sure they even want help finding God anymore, that they don't even want to be here (in a couple senses of the word). That came up tonight.

This girl showed up at Refinery last fall, pretty much out of the blue. Since then, she has grown so freaking much and not just spiritually. She has a really crappy background and even her present isn't all that charming. She went on Deputation and had the mountaintop experience and now she's falling hard. I don't know what to do for her other than pray and be there for her. She's a great girl/gal/young woman and I don't want her to lose sight of herself and value in the influence of others and the world.

Please pray for her, if you would. May God sustain her spirit and place strength and trust in the people around her.

Thank you. I didn't mean to bog this blog down with this issue, but it's weighing on my heart right now.

-KL

NOT JUNK

Only read this if you have 10 minutes and can follow the instructions below. Gracias.

If you're gonna watch this, do it right.

1. Make sure you're in a quiet room, preferably by yourself.
2. Turn off the lights.
3. Press play.
4. Make is fullscreen
5. Watch it straight through.

Wanna Leave But the World Won't Let Me Go

I think I hold resentment towards worldly expectations.
Mostly I say this because of France. Mostly I say this because I want to be done with school. And when I say 'done', I mean I don't want to do it anymore, to the point of dropping out.
I know I won't though. I don't quit when it gets hard, I don't drop things that I'm tired of, I just resent them.
Basically, I know I'm smart and I don't think I need a degree to tell me that. Unfortunately the world sees me differently. And I struggle with that.

My ideal life:
I work part-time at Barracuda and make bank in tips.
I have a side-music project which brings in the rest of my money as I produce completely annonymous tracks.
I do Refinery every Wednesday, but don't have to have a Friday music practice because everybody already knows how to play their instruments and they don't have ADD.
APNC ends immediately and we have the perfect Youth Pastor.
School is unnecessary as I learn everything I need to know from outside reading and Wikipedia.
I have dual-citizenship with Canada.
Nobody moves away.


-KL

So Play It Back In Reverse

I feel like I'm falling behind.
But I don't care.

The one thing I really came away with from Albania is a sense of peace. I know, crazy when compared to some of the moments on that trip, but I felt like everything slowed down. Not in the creepy-time-warp way, but in the
I didn't put as many expectations on myself. I let myself relax.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That's the blog I started at 2:15 this afternoon before I rushed out of Faye's house (where I was house-sitting) to check the "hidden" schedule at work, pick up a shirt at my house, fly to WS for APNC, dash to Albania Debrief across the parking lot and whirl down the stairs to a presentation about the trip. Now in the midst of that, I got an "urgent" message that I needed to call Jake on his cell. Fearing some overly-dramatic emergency had taken place, I quickly called him back. Really, he just wanted me to work tomorrow at 6.

He also mentioned that he had tried calling me at the Serene's and talked to Faye. At the sound of her beautiful name, my brain flew into panic mode--yet again. They weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow. I hadn't picked up--I left dishes in the sink, my homework was strewn across their table, I hadn't plugged the ethernet cable back into Gregg's computer, on and on.

Now, this may seem a bit 'over-the-top' or so. Especially considering the current state of my room is styish at best, but I take care of peoples' stuff. They were home and their space was not in the way they had left it. I had failed.

I spent the rest of the presentation bouncing my knee, eyeing the clock, waiting to make a mad dash out the door. I get an e-mail from Jake: "Sorry. Need you at 5:15. Hope u get this!" Amp up the anxiety just a tad more.

It ends. I make my way out of the sanctuary--casually saying good-bye and cracking sarcastic jokes to the high-schoolers. I get in my car, put on decently easy-going music and do my best not to speed to Faye's. I get there. I can see her in the window, washing at the sink. I knock on the door. Henry barks, Faye answers.

The smile on that woman's face could calm the freaking stress out of anybody, let alone, KL the 'J'.
She had moved my stuff from the table and counters and put it all together on the couch, Gregg had washed the dishes, both were in great spirits (though I think the freshly washed wine glasses may have helped a bit in that department).

We all talked about our weeks and how things went. I told them about missing the border to Canada and Faye showed me a video of her and her neice laughing (she says we still win btw). I pack up all my stuff and leave with a renewed sense of peace, even though I'm calculating the amount of sleep I'll get once I finish reading about Soviet Russia as I drive the short distance home.

I hardly get in the door when my mom says there's someone on the phone for me. I heave my shoulders thinking Oh God, what now? Thankfully, it's a voice I love to hear, Michelle. She tells me they figured it all out with Nicci and to disregard the e-mail from Jake, I don't need to work tomorrow. Even though I could use the money, it was such a relief.

I also believe that it was such a huge blessing and "I've got you're back, kiddo" on God's part. He once again showed me that he has an amazing sense of ironic humor (one of my favorite kinds!) being that I had started to write about how I've been trying to slow things down and take life easier, especially on my own personal expectations and then everything just snowballed out of control and he just took the lead and showed me he was looking out for me the whole time.

Kinda sorry this is so long, but I've heard it said that if God does something for you and you don't proclaim his power and awesomeness, then you've kind of failed on his part. "For his namesake". That's what it's all about. So put your left leg in and shake it, especially when he demonstrates his power and love for you, his child.

Off to read about the history of the Soviet Union (joy),

-KL