I read Psalm 31 this morning between rushes at the shop. I can't remember if it's the exact one that Dave referenced in his talk Sunday night, but it was a comfort regardless. I had been so down on myself again after what transpired yesterday. And then came the realization that I shouldn't take it that way. This "battle", if you will, does not change how God feels about me, does not change how I feel about God. If anything, I think this will strengthen our relationship, though it will take a whole heck of a lot of trust and patience.
Nor do I think it will necessarily change their relationship with God. I don't know at this point what this will all change, but I think it will be worth it. Probably in ways I can not even name or think of at this point.
And they are not my enemy. We are working through this together. We just don't understand each other fully.
I just need to focus on staying positive, getting back to where I was. Reclaim the sense of peace that only the Holy Spirit is providing me with the knowledge that it's out of my hands.
"Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth."
17 October 2012
16 October 2012
Had the first of what appears to be a series of meetings with the Youth Elders today. Everything in me wants to run away. To make a break and run. How much easier it would be. Stop the pain where it is.
But I know that's not what I'm being called to do. I am called to see this through. To stand up for what I've come to believe. For where God is in my life.
I'm tired, so tired, of pretending this doesn't exist. And I was free. For 5 glorious days, I felt so light and happy. And I'm back in the dark, the weighted expectations.
God, I hope this is all worth it. Help me to put trust into what you are doing. I can't live in this vicious cycle. Intercede.