30 October 2009

Wrap Me Up, Unfold Me


Today I did something very un-KaraLynn.
I didn't do something I was expected to do.
I didn't do something other people wanted me to do.
On one hand, I feel guilty.
But on the other, I feel kinda rebellious and relieved (can those two go together?).

Today was just one of those days. The kind where you just feel like crap and don't want to do anything but lie in bed and listen to sad music.
But that's not what I did.
I did everything I was supposed to do today except, I skipped the APNC BBQ.
There, I said it.

Following Youth Worship Band practice (which is another matter entirely), I drove home to pick up the baked beans I was bringing and my mom had amazingly volunteered to make for her busy daughter. Then I set off for Ralph's with every corner of my heart dreading another 2 and a half hours of my time spent under other peoples' expectations and control.
When I was about 3/4 of the way to Ralph's, I decided to re-check the schedule and make sure the dinner hadn't started at 5:30. To my further displeasure, it had started at 5. I was pissed. Just another rotten cherry on my melted ice-cream sundae (the food imagery = I was hungry, duh). So there I am, with like a gallon of baked beans, I am tired, and pissed and altogether ready to throw in the towel on all things WS.
And then, in the form of a mystical chime, I was given an out. Jake texted me, inviting me over for monopoly at 8. I quickly responded I might be able to make it, then typed out my dilemma while turning the corner to Ralph's (driving and texting, something I swore I would never do...). Jake then invited me over "whenever".
That was all I needed. There was no way I could have been pleasant at that dinner. Well, I could have, but it wouldn't've been honest.

Even though I feel guilty about more-or-less purposefully skipping the dinner, I feel even more guilty about the vast quantity of baked beans which now reside in the fridge. I suppose I'll tell madre tomorrow.
As for the rest of the committee, I'll see them in less than twelve hours. I don't know exactly what I'll tell them...

I'm just so spent.
My plate is too full. The baked beans are sloshing out.
I admit it.

Solution: TBD.

Fartin' Barton,

29 October 2009

Kneel, Condition Your Feelings

So yesterday I did something really dumb. I wore brand new high-tops with low-cut socks. I now have a nickel sized patch of rubbed-clean skin. Awesome.

Other than that, I am gearing up for a marathon weekend. *exhale* Thankfully I had the time to shower tonight so I should be good for three or four days.

I plead APNC, mostly.
We're bringing out our third interviewee.
The good news is this will probably be our last visit. Mostly because we're out of money...and we're all exhausted. I'm trying really hard not to be resentful over the whole process and some of the people involved. It's no easy task being on a church committee, let alone one that meets every week for months on end.
I'm SO ready for this to be over. And hopefully (fingers crossed), we'll have a new Youth Pastor all decided upon by mid-November.

But enough about that.

The good news is, Canadian mail is about 10x better than USPS. I know everyone was gripping their seat in anticipation of me getting my Canadian mail and I'm very pleased to announce that my Tegan and Sara bundle has arrived.

I don't know why the photo is sideways...I'm perplexed to say the least.
If you want to hear the CD, which I know you do, come sit in my car with me and we will drive and chat and groove to lyrics that will rock your world. Believe me, I don't lie when it comes to Tegan and Sara. I can pretty much tell you anything that you want to know about them, well, except maybe their shoe size, but I think it's a 7, maybe 6.5.

Creeped out yet?

Seriously though, come chill with me in my car. 'Tis one of my favorite things to do. I'll drive you somewhere. Anywhere.

I think the four shots (of coffee) I had aren't going to let me sleep anytime soon. Which is unfortunate as I have to work at 6 tomorrow. I feel like Finn on cold medicine.

Further embarrassed,

27 October 2009

Go Steady with Me

The post might be semi-incoherent/tangent laced because I'm finding it hard to focus due to the fact that it is SAINTHOOD DAY and I am soooo distracted by the beautifully captivating lyrics pouring out of my stereo speakers.

I'll leave you to figure out that one.

So on Sunday I drove Kyle back to EWU because that was literally the only time we could spend together during his short visit home. I'm so glad we did it that way too. I love that guy (in the most platonic way possible, of course). I find him to be one of the easiest people I know to talk to. And talk I needed. And let's face it, what better time to talk than when you are confined to a very small space that is hurtling down a freeway at 70 mph.
We geeked out a lot too. Movies, TV, Final Fantasy, Glee, Company of Thieves, Tegan and Sara, Zelda, singing Oscar Wilde. These are a few of my favorite things. Oh the beauty, it astounds.
When we arrived at Eastern we walked around in the dark and reminisced more. I met his reclusive roommate and then departed into the dark void between Cheney and the TC. It was a good trip. Much needed. I think I already said that, but oh well.

Pause for listening to catchy riff.
Now my keyboard has become a drum, sweet!

Other than that, life is pretty general.
Though to pierce my head, that would be a feat.

I'm contemplating a lot of things lately. Well, more just re-contemplating. When I decide what to do, you may be among the first to know. Though I don't think I'd ever do it via blog.
yeah, this post is totally sound and in no way ambiguous.
Just the way I like it.

Now you know you know it now,

23 October 2009

How Do I Know If I'll Make It Through

God is good.

when a blog starts out with that, I'm pretty sure it's a good sign...

Tuesday night was the whole facebook chat debacle which left me feeling a giant hole in my gut.

The very next night was a 180.

Instead of having the usual Refinery at WSC, we moseyed on over to Bethel to hear a guest speaker from down under. The place was packed. I've never been in Bethel before, but let me just say MEGACHURCH.

Anyways, most of my girls and I sat in the ginormous overflow room.
This is who we heard:

I didn't know it at the time, but the boy who wanted to kill himself was at the event as well. He went forward for altar call and he was crying.

God knows what we need. He knows what He's doing.
I'm glad someone does.

20 October 2009

I Know More Than I Knew Before

I don't know.
And it sucks.

I have a fourteen-year-old girl telling me via facebook chat that her boyfriend is threatening to kill himself and his best friend wants her to fix it.

How do we get here?
How do we get out?

As I respond back to her, in-between prayers, I'm pretty sure she texts her boyfriend, pleading for answers and reasons I don't think any fourteen-year-old mind can truly comprehend.

It feels so surreal. So raw and bright and painful.

I don't think he'd go through with it. But I don't want to rest on an assumption.
I was fourteen once. I was quasi-suicidal. I'd never go through with it. But the need to make it all stop was still there, like a pulse.

"...I think the world needs more kind people in it, no matter who or what they are, or do....And I can tell you this with certainty: You are worthy and capable of finding a way to live your life just the way you really are. And there are plenty of good people in the world who believe that a life like yours needs to be lived...Go ahead, give yourself permission to become the kind of person you've always dreamed you could be."

I just wish the world tried harder to emphasize how valuable every single person is. I like the way a woman from India who was in my Gender class last semester put it, "We don't waste people, everyone has their gifts." In context, she was talking about the hijras of India, but I think these words apply to all of God's creatures.

Maybe I'm just idealistic.
Regardless, prayer is paramount.
I'm fucking terrified.
These kids, they're just kids! They shouldn't need therapy or meds or to have all the sharp objects in their room locked up! Or have to feel like if they abandon one another, the consequences will be grave--literally. Trapped.

Keep breathing. Baby steps. Live. Life.

14 October 2009

I Should Just Concentrate and

First, a photo:

That's the small part of my "small group" that was there tonight. It was actually a very good session. Very good. So much laughter. I love it.
Not that I don't love all the other girls, it just makes things less intimate with more voices.

Second, a short story:

So I was talking with my school friend Jordyn (yeah, weird, I have a friend!) and we were talking about facebook and stalking people and I made a comment that the majority of my friends on facebook are middle school girls. She gave me the freakiest look. I admitted I am a creeper, but it's ok because "it's for Jesus".
She then burst out laughing and we changed subjects.

Third, an event:

Michelle and I took a girl from our small group to Artsy Fartsy last night. Sooo much fun! I am not creative in the decorating or painting regard at all, but it was awesome just to spend time with them and laugh at each other. I wish I could do stuff like that more often. I also painted a bowl, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Fourth, my bowl:

I can't pick it up for two more weeks, bummer.

That's about it. Well, pretty much. But I'm not going there.
Guess in your minds.


10 October 2009

Spider v. Bat; Tiger v. Rat; Owl v. Dove

So, I told Molly I would blog tonight.
I half regret that as my eyes roll back in my head and I curl up more cozily under my quilt. Regardless, this will be a much shorter blog than I planned on (oh yes, I plan my blogs, what kind of J would I be if I didn't).

Mostly what I was going to blog about was my day (hmm, go figure). It was a crazy one. I went at 6 this morning and opened with Kristin. She nonchalantly told me that the wi-fi was down and no one knew what to do to fix it, not even the Cline's computer guys. Now normally, the only bad thing about wi-fi being down would be that it's much harder to check my facebook on the go, but at work, our computers need the wi-fi in order to charge credit cards. This especially means bad news for whoever is running the drive-thru (i.e. me) because they have to ring up the order in the back and then explain to the customer, "no, I'm not running away with your credit card, I need to go up front and scan it because I've been building up bad karma for days when I work."

So my legs were thoroughly streched today, along with my patience as the back-up credit card machine crapped out for 10 minutes and then the computers had to be rebooted. Awesome.

Josh, the manager, was also working this morning and he tends to get stressed out easily. Possibly even easier than I do. Which is somewhat surprising. Hmm.
So most of the first seven hours of my day were spent like that. :)

Much to my pleasure, Molly randomly texted me during a down moment and gave me a textie-hug...I'm making that a word. Seriously though, Molly, I really needed that! Also, I downloaded an Eisley CD. I haven't listened to much, it's ok...I think I'm the type of person new music needs to grow on, so I'll get back to you after I've listened to it a few more times. We'll see if that happens before Sainthood comes out, once that does, nothing else will even be streaming through my headphones. Currently I'm stuck on Metric though. Nice beats, random words. OK, tangent.

So after work, I walked to the front of the store to find (pause for dramatic effect) Rebecca! Once again, it was so nice to just sit and talk to an actual person, not a crazed customer who had not been filled with caffeine and paid with a nickel and a credit card yet. We do need to do that more often, I mean, we live in the same city(ish), how hard can it be?

Tomorrow is Sunday, which means APNC. Let's just ignore that for now. I feel my shoulders tensing already, hurray!

Well, tomorrow is another day. Where does all this time go? It can fly for all I care. I wish I could fly. Stream-of-consciousness-writing. Interesting. I'm gonna pass-out.

May all your wi-fi connections work,

06 October 2009

I Know You Feel It Too (Well, probably not you)

DISCLAIMER: This blog is completely irrelevant, it is just me rambling on to myself about one of my obsessions, because I have no one else to ramble about my obsessions to.

Got off work today at 12:30ish. Came home, played guitar, got ready to take a shower. But I decided it would be a good idea to check some of my usual websites before-hand--who knows when the world will implode and how else would I know but to check my regular sites?

So I'm on this one news-site and there I see "On Tegan and Sara's New Single: Hell". Say no more.
Now, if you ever really get me talking about music, like really, I will divulge my obsession with the Canadian duo. Like, I kinda think it's unhealthy how much I love them. Really.
So I watch the video and then go on iTunes to listen to the 30 second sample. It's just not enough. I have controlled myself from purchasing the single, b/c I've already pre-ordered the album and it's coming at the end of the month. But it's too long to wait. On top of that, I see that iTunes has some "Bonus Tracks" available by album only. No. freaking. way. I ordered mine directly from the T&S website. Am I gonna get those tracks? I hope so. I hope so...
I guess I could break my Tegan and Sara code and pirate them later if they don't come with my pre-order.
Words cannot express.
If only I knew someone slightly less obsessed with them than me, I would go to their concert in January. Until then, youtube shall have to suffice and my heart will yearn for this next album.