30 September 2009

Don't Lose Yourself/Don't Let Yourself Be Lost

I have a love/hate relationship with Wednesdays.

This is fact.

It is easily the busiest day of my week and I mostly love it.

Actually, I mostly love Refinery.
And by that, I mean I love the people at Refinery.

My small group this year is craxy (<- not a typo, btw).
It's just Michelle and I which means the sarcasm is flowing like fresh, golden honey and we burst out laughing at random moments. We have three of our girls from last year, 5 freshmen, an exchange student and a girl who transfered from the other group. I love them all, but putting them all into one room with somewhat stupid questions to discuss is completely insane. CHAOS! Half of our discussion is just getting everybody quiet.
But as I stated before, I love it all. It is probably one of my favorite hours out of the week.

What I don't like about it is this: I feel so inadequate. But in a way, that's good. At a seminar I went to this past spring, the speaker, Chap Clark, stated that we can't be everything for the youth we work with, but we can point them in the direction of someone who can be. (Insert Sunday School answer here) But what do I do when someone isn't sure they even want help finding God anymore, that they don't even want to be here (in a couple senses of the word). That came up tonight.

This girl showed up at Refinery last fall, pretty much out of the blue. Since then, she has grown so freaking much and not just spiritually. She has a really crappy background and even her present isn't all that charming. She went on Deputation and had the mountaintop experience and now she's falling hard. I don't know what to do for her other than pray and be there for her. She's a great girl/gal/young woman and I don't want her to lose sight of herself and value in the influence of others and the world.

Please pray for her, if you would. May God sustain her spirit and place strength and trust in the people around her.

Thank you. I didn't mean to bog this blog down with this issue, but it's weighing on my heart right now.


26 September 2009


Only read this if you have 10 minutes and can follow the instructions below. Gracias.

If you're gonna watch this, do it right.

1. Make sure you're in a quiet room, preferably by yourself.
2. Turn off the lights.
3. Press play.
4. Make is fullscreen
5. Watch it straight through.

25 September 2009

I don't want to complain but...

We just got 30 more candidates to review for the APNC. The mere thought makes me shudder and my shoulders tense up.

Good thing I don't have anything else to do.

22 September 2009

Where a Merman with a Twinkle Casts a Hook in Me

I love the way this woman says the "U" word.

Why am I still up?


20 September 2009

Wanna Leave But the World Won't Let Me Go

I think I hold resentment towards worldly expectations.
Mostly I say this because of France. Mostly I say this because I want to be done with school. And when I say 'done', I mean I don't want to do it anymore, to the point of dropping out.
I know I won't though. I don't quit when it gets hard, I don't drop things that I'm tired of, I just resent them.
Basically, I know I'm smart and I don't think I need a degree to tell me that. Unfortunately the world sees me differently. And I struggle with that.

My ideal life:
I work part-time at Barracuda and make bank in tips.
I have a side-music project which brings in the rest of my money as I produce completely annonymous tracks.
I do Refinery every Wednesday, but don't have to have a Friday music practice because everybody already knows how to play their instruments and they don't have ADD.
APNC ends immediately and we have the perfect Youth Pastor.
School is unnecessary as I learn everything I need to know from outside reading and Wikipedia.
I have dual-citizenship with Canada.
Nobody moves away.


13 September 2009

So Play It Back In Reverse

I feel like I'm falling behind.
But I don't care.

The one thing I really came away with from Albania is a sense of peace. I know, crazy when compared to some of the moments on that trip, but I felt like everything slowed down. Not in the creepy-time-warp way, but in the
I didn't put as many expectations on myself. I let myself relax.

That's the blog I started at 2:15 this afternoon before I rushed out of Faye's house (where I was house-sitting) to check the "hidden" schedule at work, pick up a shirt at my house, fly to WS for APNC, dash to Albania Debrief across the parking lot and whirl down the stairs to a presentation about the trip. Now in the midst of that, I got an "urgent" message that I needed to call Jake on his cell. Fearing some overly-dramatic emergency had taken place, I quickly called him back. Really, he just wanted me to work tomorrow at 6.

He also mentioned that he had tried calling me at the Serene's and talked to Faye. At the sound of her beautiful name, my brain flew into panic mode--yet again. They weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow. I hadn't picked up--I left dishes in the sink, my homework was strewn across their table, I hadn't plugged the ethernet cable back into Gregg's computer, on and on.

Now, this may seem a bit 'over-the-top' or so. Especially considering the current state of my room is styish at best, but I take care of peoples' stuff. They were home and their space was not in the way they had left it. I had failed.

I spent the rest of the presentation bouncing my knee, eyeing the clock, waiting to make a mad dash out the door. I get an e-mail from Jake: "Sorry. Need you at 5:15. Hope u get this!" Amp up the anxiety just a tad more.

It ends. I make my way out of the sanctuary--casually saying good-bye and cracking sarcastic jokes to the high-schoolers. I get in my car, put on decently easy-going music and do my best not to speed to Faye's. I get there. I can see her in the window, washing at the sink. I knock on the door. Henry barks, Faye answers.

The smile on that woman's face could calm the freaking stress out of anybody, let alone, KL the 'J'.
She had moved my stuff from the table and counters and put it all together on the couch, Gregg had washed the dishes, both were in great spirits (though I think the freshly washed wine glasses may have helped a bit in that department).

We all talked about our weeks and how things went. I told them about missing the border to Canada and Faye showed me a video of her and her neice laughing (she says we still win btw). I pack up all my stuff and leave with a renewed sense of peace, even though I'm calculating the amount of sleep I'll get once I finish reading about Soviet Russia as I drive the short distance home.

I hardly get in the door when my mom says there's someone on the phone for me. I heave my shoulders thinking Oh God, what now? Thankfully, it's a voice I love to hear, Michelle. She tells me they figured it all out with Nicci and to disregard the e-mail from Jake, I don't need to work tomorrow. Even though I could use the money, it was such a relief.

I also believe that it was such a huge blessing and "I've got you're back, kiddo" on God's part. He once again showed me that he has an amazing sense of ironic humor (one of my favorite kinds!) being that I had started to write about how I've been trying to slow things down and take life easier, especially on my own personal expectations and then everything just snowballed out of control and he just took the lead and showed me he was looking out for me the whole time.

Kinda sorry this is so long, but I've heard it said that if God does something for you and you don't proclaim his power and awesomeness, then you've kind of failed on his part. "For his namesake". That's what it's all about. So put your left leg in and shake it, especially when he demonstrates his power and love for you, his child.

Off to read about the history of the Soviet Union (joy),


08 September 2009

Take a Breath/Take a Breath/With Me/Blow by Blow

I don't really have anything to say tonight.
Ok, that's kinda a lie. I'm sure I could go on about my life and the random details and adventures which occur within it. But I don't know that I will.

Menial details (I suppose I can at least get away with these):
Finally went to Canada this past weekend. It was good, I had a fun time with Jeremy, Kyle and Maribeth. However, if you happen to go up en-route of Metaline Falls (which is the border entrance closest to Idaho), make sure to get there before midnight, otherwise you will be forced to retreat down the hill and attempt to find a camping spot. There are some interesting ones to be had...indeed.

School is boring. I can't wait to be done. Although I do enjoy my "History of Imperial Russia" Prof. She is a bizarre--in a good way.

Work is good. I can make a pretty amazing latte now, though the designs still turn out as deformed hearts or nonsensical swirls. I found out today that the bosses are also letting Nicci go, which I find to be unfortunate. She is, without a doubt, the hardest worker there and I'm sad to see her go. At first I was really intimidated to work with her, but as the past few months passed and I gave her a few rides home, I really started to enjoy her personality and strength. I could totally think of somebody else I'd rather have them fire (two actually), but I'm not the boss and I'm glad I'm not.

And so that brings me to church...yeah.
APNC -> still searching
Refinery -> starts next week
Youth Worship Band -> oh crap, I need to start that again soon, don't I?!
Albania/Deputation -> 6 hours of sharing and debrief this Sunday (can't it just end already? for once I'm glad I have an APNC meeting that afternoon).
There's probably other stuff, but oh well.
Mostly I just miss the kids and want all the meetings to go away so we can finally get started and get back to being with them.

That's all I'm putting out there for now.

Have a refulgent evening my friends/blog stalkers,