17 November 2012

Blue Jeans

Everything seems to be a waiting game lately.

Waiting for decisions to be made.

Waiting for my mind to change.

Waiting for you to come home.

Waiting for the next day.

And the next.

The next.

What's next?

08 November 2012

Cargo Cult

We all have those words we just don't like.  I think "moist" is a pretty common one.  I've also heard "palm" as being a word that just doesn't feel right on the tongue.  Physically it's kinda weird too.  Did you just try it?

Today, and in general, mine is "lifestyle".  Seriously?  This isn't a wardrobe, a passing trend or bad haircut.  This is life.  Whoever coined the phrase "lifestyle, gay" was a mastermind.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it's just demeaning to call an integral part of someone a lifestyle.  

Throw "choice" into the phrase and I might have to cut someone.

Sometimes I wonder if some of these words that I hear and cringe at or that hold a completely different meaning to me will ever resume their "normal" and intended context.  I guess it doesn't really matter, just intriguing.  Indeed.


Natalie Dee comic: totally 100 percent not true * Text:

That's it, I'm off to bed now. I'll leave you alone.


04 November 2012

Daily Reconciliation

I've been asked to do a "study" with the Youth Elders (yeah, gotta love that oxymoron) about my understanding of this "issue" of homosexuality and Christianity.  It's a little daunting.  A lot stressful.  And even more terrifying to reason that we are not just speaking of an issue that is dividing the Church, but an issue that will determine if I can stay a part of ministry and to a certain degree, continue to follow some of the same teachings and ideologies that I grew up with.

For this reason and others, I am going to start a new blog.  A less personal and emotional one (if I can handle that with such a topic) that will seek to inform and demonstrate how I have come to find myself where I am in relation to sexuality and the Bible and God.  West Side as a corporation stands on the belief that to be "homosexual" is not a sin, but acting on any such feelings is sin (and apparently one that needs to be reprimanded more strictly than any other sin even if they've never asked if I've acted on it or not, the intent is enough apparently).  I, quite obviously, do not hold such beliefs.

With this new blog I hope to answer some common misconceptions on the topic, Biblical and in general; and help myself organize my thoughts and talking points before bringing them to The "No-Touching" Committee (as I've deemed it).  If nothing else, I hope it helps others understand that there is much more than one-side to this issue and just because we've always known or held something to be "true" doesn't mean that we can't think outside of that or even perhaps evolve our thinking.  For how else can we learn, and how else can we better understand the vast array of intricate differences that God has place around us in this world.


See you on the other side?

A Science Apart

There's a word that I keep finding on my heart and in my brain lately.


I don't know what's going on right now.  And I am so frustrated by the shape and process this is taking, but I don't want to let that frustration and anger overtake me.  I feel like the grace of the Spirit has really protected me thus far and I want to make sure to reflect that in any and all steps I, myself, take in this.

I think I shall e-mail them tomorrow.  Get their take on why certain things have transpired that they assured were unnecessary steps from the beginning.

Thank you to those who have been praying, have asked others to pray.  Even if I don't reap the benefits of the decisions that shall eventually be reached, I know that they will help others down the line.

Still ridiculously blessed and thankful for the grace poured over me

01 November 2012

What Makes a Man____?

I've been trying to figure out a way to write this all down.  And I've been avoiding doing it all together because that somehow makes it more concrete.

October has been a strange, strange month.  This year has been a roller coaster, and no point in time has encapsulated that more than these past few weeks.

Everyone seems interested in telling me how they feel about this.
The excuses they have to feel as they do.  The justifications they've made for the decisions they've come to.

I feel like I've had a death in the family.  As if there is a piece of my life I can no longer reach on this plane.

Enough of the waxing.  Let's cut to the chase.

After telling me more than once that my sexuality would not change my role in leadership or ministry with the youth, session had a secret (not really, but achieve nonetheless) meeting about a "hypothetical" leader with such sinful same-sex attraction and what should be the course of action.  The final verdict was handed to me last Friday.  The following Sunday was the first Fuel/Refinery/SALT I haven't been to in years with the exception of being out of town.
It felt so foreign.  I couldn't sit in church that morning either.  Listening to songs of God's graciousness and receiving stares of much less was enough to drive me from the pew before Ralph even got around to the message.

I feel so conflicted.  My heart is breaking.  For myself and for WS.  I want to fight, but I don't want to be told over and over again how the traditional interpretation of scripture condemns me to a life without any sort of romantic love or deep connection.  I've read the scriptures, I've read the commentaries, I've read beyond them, I've studied context and hermeneutics and so what if I don't have a theology degree or MDiv.  Your viewpoint changes nothing in the Church, nothing in how it treats people or allows them to live.  Mine allows me to live a life loved by God and accepting myself instead of continuing the torturous facade that everything is fine and however much I pray will be enough to make me blameless in the eyes of the Church.

It is not the Church I should seek to please.

So you can keep me from the youth I've spent years getting to know and building community and fellowship with.  You can break my trust in the church I've come to call "home" and "family" and I will still be there for any one of those people on an individual level because that is life-giving.  But you will not take away the relationship that has been built between me and my creator.  My faith.  Only one person can break that--and that is the person the faith belongs to.

I will always love WS.  But right now my journey seems to be leading me away from there.  I don't know what's in store for me.

I just don't.