Devil's Thunder

A high school student from West Side came in to the Cuda the other day.
We had a conversation that I still can't quite shake.

I hadn't seen her since I'd been asked to step down, let alone spoken to her.  She's one I've known since she was in fourth grade, one of "my girls" whom I was a Trainee and camp counselor for.
After exclaiming a greeting to her from across the orange front counter, I told her I missed her and asked how life was.
She said all was well and she missed me too--that she never saw me as I didn't come to Fuel anymore.  Just like that.  Just like it was a choice and I simply didn't want to attend these past five months.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm taking too much of this for more than its worth, but it bothers me that any of the students would think that I didn't want to be there, that I didn't want to see them, that I had any choice in this for that matter.

We're reading a book for our small West Side Bible Study on this.  For the more curious, it's called The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible.  A friend asked me today how the reading selection for the week was going; my unrestrained, immediate response:  soul crushing.

I'm so exhausted by this.  At least the other members of the group are all amazing, patient, thoughtful, open people and we seem to be accomplishing some things.  This book just seems to be destructive to where we've come at this point and discouraging.  Even if I was a straight person reading this, I don't think I'd be able to finish it.

Hopefully the meeting tomorrow goes well.  I know this was a random, semi-stream of consciousness update.  Perhaps someday soon I'll write a more thought out entry about the actual positive things happening in my life.

Until then, you're better off looking up tweeted pictures of goats.  All the cool kids are apparently doing it.
-KL

Cargo Cult

We all have those words we just don't like.  I think "moist" is a pretty common one.  I've also heard "palm" as being a word that just doesn't feel right on the tongue.  Physically it's kinda weird too.  Did you just try it?

Today, and in general, mine is "lifestyle".  Seriously?  This isn't a wardrobe, a passing trend or bad haircut.  This is life.  Whoever coined the phrase "lifestyle, gay" was a mastermind.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it's just demeaning to call an integral part of someone a lifestyle.  

Throw "choice" into the phrase and I might have to cut someone.

Sometimes I wonder if some of these words that I hear and cringe at or that hold a completely different meaning to me will ever resume their "normal" and intended context.  I guess it doesn't really matter, just intriguing.  Indeed.

Also:

That's it, I'm off to bed now. I'll leave you alone.

-KL

The Edge of Myself

Had the first of what appears to be a series of meetings with the Youth Elders today.  Everything in me wants to run away.  To make a break and run.  How much easier it would be.  Stop the pain where it is.

But I know that's not what I'm being called to do.  I am called to see this through.  To stand up for what I've come to believe.  For where God is in my life.

I'm tired, so tired, of pretending this doesn't exist.  And I was free.  For 5 glorious days, I felt so light and happy.  And I'm back in the dark, the weighted expectations.  

God, I hope this is all worth it.  Help me to put trust into what you are doing.  I can't live in this vicious cycle.  Intercede.