Hard Way Home

I read Psalm 31 this morning between rushes at the shop.  I can't remember if it's the exact one that Dave referenced in his talk Sunday night, but it was a comfort regardless.  I had been so down on myself again after what transpired yesterday.  And then came the realization that I shouldn't take it that way.  This "battle", if you will, does not change how God feels about me, does not change how I feel about God.  If anything, I think this will strengthen our relationship, though it will take a whole heck of a lot of trust and patience.

Nor do I think it will necessarily change their relationship with God.  I don't know at this point what this will all change, but I think it will be worth it.  Probably in ways I can not even name or think of at this point.
And they are not my enemy.  We are working through this together.  We just don't understand each other fully.

I just need to focus on staying positive, getting back to where I was.  Reclaim the sense of peace that only the Holy Spirit is providing me with the knowledge that it's out of my hands.

"Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth."

The Edge of Myself

Had the first of what appears to be a series of meetings with the Youth Elders today.  Everything in me wants to run away.  To make a break and run.  How much easier it would be.  Stop the pain where it is.

But I know that's not what I'm being called to do.  I am called to see this through.  To stand up for what I've come to believe.  For where God is in my life.

I'm tired, so tired, of pretending this doesn't exist.  And I was free.  For 5 glorious days, I felt so light and happy.  And I'm back in the dark, the weighted expectations.  

God, I hope this is all worth it.  Help me to put trust into what you are doing.  I can't live in this vicious cycle.  Intercede.  

Casually Cruel

1 Peter 3:8-9

⁸ Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.^[a] Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. ⁹ Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.

Hard words to put in to practice when you feel like you're always getting the short end of the deal.  That you do more for less.  When you see others go without consequence for doing something you know you would be judged for.  For seeing people you thought were your friends slowly slip away and you become so much less than.

Enough of that.  I need to escape the confinement of expectation and discover a new plan.

I went to Sunday School/Bible Study this week for the first time in a couple years.  It felt good.  I think I've been slipping down the slope of going through the motions of being a "good Christian" of late.  Especially with the rapid disintegration of the small group that I really felt God wanted me to create and be a part of.  That mixed with other reasons have made me feel more apathetic about actively spending time with or seeking God.  It all just seems so discouraging.

However, I am so thankful for the handful of true friends I have around me.  I always think it's funny how God tends to take the people I expect the least to ever have anything in common with and before I know it, they're the people who seem to be there the most.  So many of my really good current friends or people I have been closest to in the past have been people I never thought I would like when I first met them.  Shows what I know.

Not a whole heck of a lot.

-KL