What Makes a Man____?

I've been trying to figure out a way to write this all down.  And I've been avoiding doing it all together because that somehow makes it more concrete.

October has been a strange, strange month.  This year has been a roller coaster, and no point in time has encapsulated that more than these past few weeks.

Everyone seems interested in telling me how they feel about this.
The excuses they have to feel as they do.  The justifications they've made for the decisions they've come to.

I feel like I've had a death in the family.  As if there is a piece of my life I can no longer reach on this plane.

Enough of the waxing.  Let's cut to the chase.

After telling me more than once that my sexuality would not change my role in leadership or ministry with the youth, session had a secret (not really, but achieve nonetheless) meeting about a "hypothetical" leader with such sinful same-sex attraction and what should be the course of action.  The final verdict was handed to me last Friday.  The following Sunday was the first Fuel/Refinery/SALT I haven't been to in years with the exception of being out of town.
It felt so foreign.  I couldn't sit in church that morning either.  Listening to songs of God's graciousness and receiving stares of much less was enough to drive me from the pew before Ralph even got around to the message.

I feel so conflicted.  My heart is breaking.  For myself and for WS.  I want to fight, but I don't want to be told over and over again how the traditional interpretation of scripture condemns me to a life without any sort of romantic love or deep connection.  I've read the scriptures, I've read the commentaries, I've read beyond them, I've studied context and hermeneutics and so what if I don't have a theology degree or MDiv.  Your viewpoint changes nothing in the Church, nothing in how it treats people or allows them to live.  Mine allows me to live a life loved by God and accepting myself instead of continuing the torturous facade that everything is fine and however much I pray will be enough to make me blameless in the eyes of the Church.

It is not the Church I should seek to please.

So you can keep me from the youth I've spent years getting to know and building community and fellowship with.  You can break my trust in the church I've come to call "home" and "family" and I will still be there for any one of those people on an individual level because that is life-giving.  But you will not take away the relationship that has been built between me and my creator.  My faith.  Only one person can break that--and that is the person the faith belongs to.

I will always love WS.  But right now my journey seems to be leading me away from there.  I don't know what's in store for me.

I just don't.

-KL

I Know You Feel It Too (Well, probably not you)

DISCLAIMER: This blog is completely irrelevant, it is just me rambling on to myself about one of my obsessions, because I have no one else to ramble about my obsessions to.

Got off work today at 12:30ish. Came home, played guitar, got ready to take a shower. But I decided it would be a good idea to check some of my usual websites before-hand--who knows when the world will implode and how else would I know but to check my regular sites?

So I'm on this one news-site and there I see "On Tegan and Sara's New Single: Hell". Say no more.
Now, if you ever really get me talking about music, like really, I will divulge my obsession with the Canadian duo. Like, I kinda think it's unhealthy how much I love them. Really.
So I watch the video and then go on iTunes to listen to the 30 second sample. It's just not enough. I have controlled myself from purchasing the single, b/c I've already pre-ordered the album and it's coming at the end of the month. But it's too long to wait. On top of that, I see that iTunes has some "Bonus Tracks" available by album only. No. freaking. way. I ordered mine directly from the T&S website. Am I gonna get those tracks? I hope so. I hope so...
I guess I could break my Tegan and Sara code and pirate them later if they don't come with my pre-order.
Words cannot express.
If only I knew someone slightly less obsessed with them than me, I would go to their concert in January. Until then, youtube shall have to suffice and my heart will yearn for this next album.

Unashamedly,
-KL