How Do I Know If I'll Make It Through

God is good.

^
|
when a blog starts out with that, I'm pretty sure it's a good sign...

Tuesday night was the whole facebook chat debacle which left me feeling a giant hole in my gut.

The very next night was a 180.

Instead of having the usual Refinery at WSC, we moseyed on over to Bethel to hear a guest speaker from down under. The place was packed. I've never been in Bethel before, but let me just say MEGACHURCH.

Anyways, most of my girls and I sat in the ginormous overflow room.
This is who we heard:



I didn't know it at the time, but the boy who wanted to kill himself was at the event as well. He went forward for altar call and he was crying.

God knows what we need. He knows what He's doing.
I'm glad someone does.

I Know More Than I Knew Before

I don't know.
And it sucks.

I have a fourteen-year-old girl telling me via facebook chat that her boyfriend is threatening to kill himself and his best friend wants her to fix it.

How do we get here?
How do we get out?

As I respond back to her, in-between prayers, I'm pretty sure she texts her boyfriend, pleading for answers and reasons I don't think any fourteen-year-old mind can truly comprehend.

It feels so surreal. So raw and bright and painful.

I don't think he'd go through with it. But I don't want to rest on an assumption.
I was fourteen once. I was quasi-suicidal. I'd never go through with it. But the need to make it all stop was still there, like a pulse.

"...I think the world needs more kind people in it, no matter who or what they are, or do....And I can tell you this with certainty: You are worthy and capable of finding a way to live your life just the way you really are. And there are plenty of good people in the world who believe that a life like yours needs to be lived...Go ahead, give yourself permission to become the kind of person you've always dreamed you could be."

I just wish the world tried harder to emphasize how valuable every single person is. I like the way a woman from India who was in my Gender class last semester put it, "We don't waste people, everyone has their gifts." In context, she was talking about the hijras of India, but I think these words apply to all of God's creatures.

Maybe I'm just idealistic.
Regardless, prayer is paramount.
I'm fucking terrified.
These kids, they're just kids! They shouldn't need therapy or meds or to have all the sharp objects in their room locked up! Or have to feel like if they abandon one another, the consequences will be grave--literally. Trapped.

Keep breathing. Baby steps. Live. Life.